Wiighing the Options: Boom Blox or Steven Spielberg’s Next Whopping Piece of Shit
When Steven Spielberg denied the Chinese government his creative input for the Beijing Olympics on the grounds that China needed to reform their views on Darfur, I doubt Spielberg realized that his most recent creative work is a more egregious violation of human rights than anything the Chinese government ever fathomed.
Steven Spielberg, whose movie credits include Munich and Men in Black II, teamed up with Electronic Arts in a collaboration that bore results tantamount to Khrushchev’s collaboration with Castro. If the Cold War taught us anything, it’s that people love pushing buttons and destroying things, and Spielberg capitalizes on that fact in his game Boom Blox.
I had two options for entertainment this month, and you can judge for yourself which I should have chosen: Boom Blox, or Steven Spielberg’s Next Whopping Piece of Shit Movie. I guess I also had a third option: I could have killed myself.
Boom Blox is a puzzle game where a player tries to knock over elaborate block structures using baseballs, bombs, and bouncy balls. The object of the game is to use as few throws as possible to complete a level. Sometimes a player must knock down whole towers with a single swing of the Wii-mote (here’s a hint: aim near the bottom!), making the puzzle similar to JENGA, if JENGA were completely pointless (“I made them all fall on the FIRST TRY!”).
I assume that the only addition Spielberg offered was the funny block-shaped animals who stand in the background, watch the towers fall, and giggle with pleasure. Boom Blox is like a cartoon version of 9-11 where funny barnyard animals have replaced Al-Qaeda. Except it’s worse than 9-11. Much worse. In fact, when the 9-11 Commission Report claimed that domestic terrorists still posed a significant threat, they were actually referring to Boom Blox and “United States of Tara.”
If you still have dreams or “feelings of worth,” maybe you should skip this game and go to Steven Spielberg’s Next Whopping Piece of Shit Movie. It could be something as bad as The Lost World: Jurassic Park, or his Biopic of Lincoln, which comes at a very opportune time for me: when I need someone to shoot me in the brain.
“A house divided against itself cannot stand… a good strategy to keep in mind while playing this piece of shit!” - Abe Lincoln
What’s really strange about Boom Blox is that several movies Spielberg directed have already been turned into games, but he refused to put his name on them. Jurassic Park and Indiana Jones are probably the most popular, but there are a few others:
Munich: Use the Wii balance board to run to the car before the phone bomb blows up a child!
Saving Private Ryan: “Spend hours playing this addictive title!” is EXACTLY what Captain Miller meant when he said “earn this…”
Twister: spin the Wii-mote to learn about the weather, then help Bill Paxton reunite with his ex-wife!
Schindler’s List: Can you find the Mii that does not belong? It’s the girl in the red dress! 10,000 points!
Ages th-Wii and up!
Dan
